I am writing this as I lay in bed, unproductive and in task paralysis. I have been awake since 3am for no particular reason. I wish I could just fall asleep if I'm not going to do anything. Even if it's 3pm.
It's days like these I am reminded how often I fall into these funks, and I am grateful that I don't have anyone around to witness me. No significant other or roommate to compare myself to. If I had a date planned today, I would've cancelled it. I feel guilty for making people think I'm fun.
Alone, I don't have to worry about my volume. If my random vocal stimming annoys people. If the sounds of my existence are just too infuriating.
Relationships are weird. I was 6 years into one when I was told that the sound of me eating potato chips was intolerable.
I am prone to motion sickness. In vehicles, I like the windows rolled down for airflow and temperature. I can be sensitive to the volume of music. I hate sudden stops and starts. These are all things that can give me headaches, maybe even nausea and vomiting.
When I am alone in my car, I don't have to worry about my preferences bothering anyone else. The cold air. How I would happily coast behind a big truck on the highway because it felt steady and safe. I used to be a more reckless driver. But I was always prone to motion sickness. I threw up in between rides at amusement parks. The pressure from the restraints made me nauseous. The twists and turns. The drops were great though.
I like being alone in an empty house. Where I don't have to hear the sounds of people I can't connect with. Where nobody can witness how I waste the gift of consciousness.
9:30pm
I do want to add that I am aware that love is not only there for the fun moments. Love will be the anchor when you are lost at sea - when the medicine isn't working. I am filled with a gentle peace when I see evidence that people are fully capable of consistently loving someone who is depressed, sick, bedridden, unable to work, whatever. For YEARS. I know I am deserving of that love. I am grateful for my friends for reminding me of that everyday.