Day 27 - I went to see a drag show with a friend. I was running late and felt so relieved when she said she was running late too. I don't know why it's more ok for her to be late than me, in my mind. I almost cried at the drag queens. I think it's seeing the amount of work they put into their hyperfeminine appearance. It feels like an ode to how performative it feels to "act how I'm supposed to" as a woman.
On Day 28, I had a slight headache and wondered if it could be a brain tumor. I thought about how I would want to handle that and cried.
Day 29, I got a migraine while running errands. Which didn't make sense because I did eat... And drank water... So anyways, again with crying over a potential brain tumor. After cutting my errands short. Laid in bed for hours. Cancelled plans. Felt guilt because he was supposed to meet Tilly. I love showing off Tilly.
If a man with no history of depression or anxiety... takes medication for puppy blues for over a year while he lives with a puppy. And then no longer needs it once the puppy is removed... What does that mean?
If a woman who has been medicated for over a decade for clinical depression and PMDD doesn't change or increase medication for puppy blues (other than switching for insurance reasons), but she's just a sad mess... What would the better plan of action have been?
I think the most embarrassing thing I'm willing to admit is how safe I felt in life when a past partner got a vasectomy. Because the worst possible outcome for me was no longer a concern. And that still holds true. I just failed to consider how much things could suck without it being the worst possible outcome.
By committing to a puppy with someone who absolutely was not ready, I experienced a taste of the patterns that turns a woman into a shell of a human, called mom. I can't imagine being even more bitter than I am now. And that's only as a single dog mom.
The year + spent sleeping on the couch to potty train Tilly, so the man of the house could rest well at night. All the trips he took without us so he wouldn't have to think about her. How much easier dating is when you don't have to work around your dog's feeding and potty times.
The past year had more personal growth and development than I ever was actually planning on. I questioned my gender identity, sexuality, motivations, reality... And in the end, my only attachments to being a woman is this deep resentment I feel as a single mom. And as someone who will always turn to see why a child, or animal, is crying. And the slight aversion to straight men, as well as AMABs when they are displaying very male-coded behavior.
It's hard to focus on your actual triggers and associations for PMDD when people around overpathologize you. It comes down to you questioning if you are having a very normal, human experience, or actually displaying a detrimental symptom.
"Have you taken your extra meds yet?" and "Hey, when's your period?" feels so fucking dismissive as a default response to you expressing any emotion. Sure, a lot of times I am on the verge of an episode. And a lot of times, I am nowhere near menses and that was a legitimately sad moment in a movie, as designed by the writer, actors, and production team??? Feelings are normal, you sociopath.